“Many sorrows shall be to the wicked; but he who trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him” (Ps. 32:10)

In my moment of need, I still seek God. Just applied to 2 schools, both around the NUS Area PTL. Hopefully I’ll get either one… :)

last 4 hours with this essay. gonna conquer it. God give me strength.

havent gone to church in like 6 weeks. feel quite bad about it actually.

that i have sinned, that we have sinned, doesn’t seem a paramount reason for our ending. nothing seems to work.

i chanced on odj today,
with the quote “She sits alone in her room—dark circles under her eyes, tears running down her cheeks: that got me hooked, but the rest of the paragraph seemingly applying to me as well.
“Since her teenage years, God has been her fulfillment, but her heart still has gaps—empty places, hollow spaces, unmet longings. And she has prayed, oh how she has prayed for God to give her the desires of her heart. Or to take them away. One or the other. But neither has happened. Ten long years of waiting.”

i’m 19.5 yrs old, and i already feel like i’ve been waiting for far too long. when you’re 6 and have started flirtatious ways, it’s no wonder that when placed into liberal circumstances, as i have a few times, i go insane.

but as much as flings seem appealing, deep down i’m still that same girl who believes that her tall dark handsome prince charming will come sweep her off her feet one day, who writes poetry and plays, who loves her despite her shitty family background and the propensity for trouble that that brings, who can tolerate her incessant talking, who can make her feel loved because she’s grown up with too little of it, and who loves the same music that she does.

i know my first boyf was just like that. and that was what i needed. i never thought i’d find someone else like that again, someone who was so like me, and i guess it’s faintly ironic that i found someone from fass, again… not that i had ever given thought as to the university my future spouse would come from.

i don’t fit into the neat little stereotypes that society has created. my family background removes me from that. i don’t react to authority in the normal ways that others do, although i suppose as a christian there is probably a stereotype for me. the way i handle debates… well there might be a basis for comparison, as it for the way i handle school, but not in the contrasting ways with which i handle both, and i definitely cannot understand how running is more cathartic than writing poetry for me, and how i prefer to yak on away rather than sit silently and read, or why i love rhythm so much even though i don’t think it really affects the content of a poem.

b never understood me, but he tried to be nice. i guess nice wasn’t enough.
J understood me, even if he couldn’t relate, but genuine concern was enough.
L understands me, knows how to show love, and i guess i was a dumbass not to hold on to him tightly enough, and now he’s gone, and i’m asking God why.

is this punishment for my sins?
why throw him in my way, let me try to ignore him, then throw him into my way again and leave him unignorable, then let him fall for me too, then cruelly, far too quickly, take him away… yet leave him in my face enough to miss, an image i cannot forget.

why, God, why? are you silent or have i shut my years in my rebelliousness? i know you still care and i’m sure you have a plan and that there is a greater reason for this but i cannot think straight anymore.

why, God, why?

dear soulmate,

please appear soon. i have so many crazy and creative ideas; things i would like to do for someone that i love. someone to share my faith with. someone to keep my faith secure. someone who would understand me, everything that i stand for.

i found someone once but he turned out to not have the most important thing- courage.

so please, love me, and have the courage to fight for me. and i promise you, i will fight for you with my words and my fists. probably more with words.

love,
i-am-waiting

i may not be the best christian ever but i am still thankful to God when He provides.
i’m just having a slight crisis of faith now. but still, am grateful to God for providing me with friends, a stable income, lovely students, and people to help make my admin duties easier. hurhur.

still. i wish the best thing that’s ever happened to me didn’t have to become also one of the worst.

it has never been so hard for me to trust or believe that everything will be okay

in fact, everytime something bad crops up, i wonder why this is happening

maybe i should have prayed before jumping into this relationship… but i did pray about it. i did pray for it.  i did want this. i just didn’t realize i would still have emotional residue.

Let hope rise And darkness tremble
In Your holy light That every eye will see
Jesus our God Great and mighty to be praised

if not for God and the trust that i have that i will eventually understand this, i would have been ready to give this all up, go into a corner and cry my heart out and be prepared to fail tomorrow.

but no, i will persevere on. I WILL GET IT. I WILL.

Believe that God is ultimately in control. To touch Job’s possessions, family and health, Satan needed permission from God (1:12; 2:6). We can be assured of this one thing: nothing can ever happen to us without His permission. As a good God, He never enjoys seeing His people suffer. Yet sometimes, He allows bad things to happen to bring about a deeper change in us. In the case of Job, Satan may have thought that he was provoking God; but really, God was simply using Satan to complete His own perfecting work in Job.

“God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble” - Psalm 46:1

i have never felt like like i needed God so badly till this time, till this set of exams. somehow, i know it’s only by God’s grace that i’ll get through this.

so, God help me.

the past fortnight has been a continual reminder to me that God provides all that we need.

2 interviews, 2 job offers, both of which i’ve taken and i’ve rejected the rest… although i’m open to taking another, and wondering if i should take up tuition. this is where prayer is my most powerful weapon :)

i feel so much more settled now that i’ve rejected the third interview, and can fully appreciate and thank God for clearing this path for me so easily, really really thank God cos i was feeling quite insecure about getting a job in the first place - glad it came so easily. because i’m not someone who can take failure.

and at the end of this year i’ll be going to botswana! and hopefully korea, macau, philippines etc next year… i guess staying in singapore was the best decision for me, even just for NUS debates :)

just very grateful to God now :)

2 interviews, 2 job offers. i was going to reject the second when it suddenly struck me that i might actually be able to manage both… well whatever it is i’m sure God will make a way, God will guide…

and it’s not just about asking God to give answers, it’s also about trusting that He will be there.

i can’t believe how easy it was for me to get a coaching job, but i never thought of it as “my” success but rather how God blessed me in this way.

10% of the salary goes to Him; i owe too much in tithes already :(